1. A Whale was swimming along through the ocean minding his own buisness, when a shark with a pale-looking octopus tucked under one fin approached him. "G'day Whale" said the shark. "Howdy, Shark," replied the whale. "what can i do for you?" "Here ya go" said the shark, offering the octopus. "This is that sick squid i owe you."
2. Two Mates are in a pub and one is drinking like a fish. The other says to him, "You're not planning on driving home tonight, are you?" "Why?" slurs his pal. "Don't you know, mate, that 10 per cent of road accidents are caused by drunk drivers!". "Well, thats where the odds work in my favour," he burps. "The other 90 per cent are caused by sober drivers."
3. In a factory accident a worker lost the middle finger off his right hand. However, he didn't notice the loss until he was saying goodbye to his boss.
4. Paddy stood at the top of a cliff with his arms stretched out and a budgerigar in each hand. Mick, who was below, gave the signal, and Paddy leapt off the cliff. He landed about 4 metres down, amongst a jagged pile of rocks. "Are you OK, Paddy?" asked Mick. "Yeah," replied Paddy, "but fuck this budgie-jumping!"
5. Q: How do you blind a woman ? A: Put a windshield in front of her face!.
6. Q: What's the difference between BSE and PMT ? A: One is mad cow disease, the other is a agricultural term!
7: A cheery young bloke goes into a chemist. The pharmacist is a grey-haired old lady, scowling behind the counter. "Hey Miss," he whistles, "I've got two hot dates tonight, and i want a couple of condoms." "Don't you 'Miss' me, young man!" she snarls. "OK then, baby," he grins, "make it three!"
8: Q: What's the similarity between a tornado and a woman ? A: They both make a lot of noise when they come, and both take the house when they leave.
9: A bloke and a sheila got married. She's full of anticipation on their wedding night, but to her dismay, the bloke simply gets into his side of the bed in his pyjamas, pulls out a book and begins to read it. After about half an hour, she gets sick of waiting and turns the light off. This happens for about two weeks - he reads, and she gets fed up and goes to sleep - by which time the woman is convinced that her husband is never going to root her. Finally, one night she awakes to find his fingers playing with her clitoris. "Darling!" she cries. "You do love me after all!" "Fuck that," he blurts. "I'm just wetting me fingers to turn the page."
